When life feels overwhelming, many people respond by pushing through, working harder, ignoring their feelings, and telling themselves they should be able to cope. But for those who are naturally conscientious, self-critical, or carrying the weight of early emotional wounds, this approach often leads to burnout. Beneath it all, there’s often a familiar voice, the inner critic, often harsh, relentless, and unforgiving.
If you catch yourself thinking, “I should be able to handle this better,” or “I’m just not good enough,” you’re not alone, and you’re not broken. You’re only human, and these patterns can change.
You can shift this inner dialogue and help feel more emotionally balanced, resilient, and supported with compassion-focused therapy (CFT).
In this blog, we’ll explore a little more about what CFT therapy is and how CFT modifies your emotional regulation system.
What is CFT Therapy?
Developed by Professor Paul Gilbert, CFT was tailored for people who struggle with shame, self-criticism, and a sense of emotional unsafety, in particular those with histories of trauma, neglect, or heightened sensitivity.
This approach brings together insights from evolutionary psychology, attachment theory, neuroscience, and contemplative practices to offer something both scientifically grounded and deeply compassionate.
As Prof. Gilbert reminds us, “We did not choose to have tricky brains. Our minds have been designed by evolution with systems that can work against us. But we can learn to work with them, not be dominated by them.”
(The Compassionate Mind, 2009)
CFT and The Emotional Regulation System
The essentials of compassion-focused therapy define a framework that helps us understand how our emotional lives are shaped by three key regulation systems: the threat, drive and soothing systems
- The threat system alerts us to danger and often triggers anxiety, anger, or shame.
- The drive system fuels our motivation, ambition, and pursuit of goals.
- The soothing system gives rise to feelings of calm, contentment, and emotional safety.
Many people, especially those who grew up in critical or emotionally unpredictable environments, have a highly activated threat system and an underdeveloped soothing system. CFT works by helping individuals strengthen this soothing system through intentional, compassionate practices.
Unlike traditional cognitive approaches that aim to change thought content, CFT focuses on changing the emotional tone of our inner dialogue and responses. This shift can be especially powerful for people who don’t respond to “rational” reassurance because their inner critic is emotionally dominant. Rather than simply challenging unhelpful thoughts, CFT teaches you to respond to yourself with compassion, wisdom, and emotional warmth.
In practice, the essentials of compassion-focused therapy involve exploring how your current emotional responses and self-beliefs were shaped, often by early life experiences. Then, with support, you begin developing what Gilbert calls the “compassionate self”, a part of you that embodies strength, care, and a desire to alleviate suffering.
Therapy may include breathing techniques to calm the nervous system, imagery exercises to build a sense of safety , and imagery and chair work to strengthen the compassionate part of you that can respond to your suffering without blame or avoidance. Over time, you learn to relate to yourself with the same care you might offer a loved one who is struggling.
It’s important to note CFT is not about being soft or avoiding responsibility. It is about learning to approach your difficulties with courageous compassion, a mindset that sees suffering clearly and chooses to respond with wisdom and care. As Prof Gilbert explains, “Compassion is not about being weak or giving in. It’s about being wise, courageous, and strong enough to face suffering and do something about it.”
The Effectiveness of Compassion-Focused Therapy
There is a growing body of research demonstrating the effectiveness of CFT in monitoring emotional regulation systems. In a foundational study by Gilbert and Procter (2006), clients receiving CFT showed significant reductions in shame and self-criticism, along with increased self-reassurance. A broader meta-analysis by Leaviss and Uttley (2015) described CFT as a promising intervention, particularly for those who are highly self-critical and less responsive to other approaches. More recently, Herbert et al. (2021) found that compassion-based interventions significantly reduced symptoms of depression, anxiety, and psychological distress, especially when focused on cultivating the compassionate self.
How Can Self-Compassion Help Us Cope?
The following are some of the ways self-compassion makes life more manageable:
- It Calms the Inner Critic
That voice in your head that says “you’re not good enough” increases anxiety and shame. Self-compassion helps soften that voice, allowing you to respond to mistakes or challenges with perspective and patience instead of shame. - It Reduces Emotional Overwhelm
When you meet your suffering with kindness, you create space to rest, reset, and gently reconnect with yourself. This not only soothes emotional reactivity but also helps restore balance in your nervous system. - It Supports Better Boundaries
Self-compassionate people are more likely to say no to things that drain them and yes to what they genuinely need. It helps you recognise that your needs matter too. - It Encourages Healthy Motivation
Rather than pushing yourself through fear or perfectionism, self-compassion fosters motivation that is rooted in care. This kind of motivation is more consistent and far less exhausting. - It Connects You to Others
When you realise that pain, imperfection, and difficulty are universal, it becomes easier to ask for help, lean on others, and feel less isolated.
Rediscover Your Compassionate Self with Me, Dr McPhee
If you’re someone who has always been hard on yourself, who finds it difficult to relax or feel truly “good enough”, then compassion-focused therapy may offer something different. It’s especially helpful for those who have tried other forms of therapy but still feel stuck in cycles of shame or emotional disconnection. Through the gentle but powerful and essential tools of compassionate focused therapy, you can begin to transform your relationship with yourself and with the world around you.
I offer compassion-focused therapy both in person in Petersfield, Hampshire, and online across the UK. If you’re curious about whether my training in compassionate-focused therapy could help you, feel free to get in touch by calling, emailing or filling out a form to book a free 15-minute consultation with me.
Remember, you don’t have to face your struggles alone; there is another way, a more compassionate way with CFT.