“I don’t want to upset them.”
“They might think I’m selfish.”
“It just feels easier to say yes.”
These thoughts can sneak in so quickly, especially when you care deeply about others. Saying no can feel surprisingly uncomfortable; not because you’re weak or unsure, but because it stirs something deeper. Often, it brings up the fear of being judged, rejected, or even abandoned.
The discomfort we feel around boundaries usually isn’t just about the moment itself. It often goes back much further, to the emotional patterns we learned early in life. Long before we had the words for it, many of us developed beliefs and coping styles designed to keep us safe in our relationships, even if that meant putting ourselves last.
In this blog, I want to share why setting boundaries with people is psychologically essential and why they can feel so difficult to uphold. Also, I want to explain how the therapeutic approaches I use, such as Schema Therapy and Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT), can teach you how to set boundaries and not feel guilty or shameful.
What Are Boundaries?
Boundaries are the invisible lines that help us feel safe, respected, and understood in our relationships. They’re not just rules or lines, they’re reflections of how we value ourselves. When we set a boundary, we’re saying, “This is what I need to feel okay.”
Boundaries protect our emotional energy, our time, and our sense of self. They help us say yes to the things that matter, and no to the things that drain or hurt us. At their core, setting boundaries with people is really about self-respect.
In therapy, I often work with people who struggle to set boundaries, not because they’re weak or broken, but because somewhere along the way, they learned that having needs wasn’t safe. Maybe saying no led to guilt, criticism, or silence. Maybe they were taught that love had to be earned, or that putting themselves first was selfish.
Those early experiences don’t just disappear. They shape how we show up in relationships, such as how much we give, how much we tolerate, and how safe we feel expressing our needs. But boundaries aren’t set in stone. With the right support, like therapy and self-reflection, we can learn to build healthier ones. Setting boundaries with therapy takes time, but like a muscle, they get stronger with practice and compassion.
Why Saying No Feels So Hard: A Schema Therapy Perspective
In Schema Therapy, developed by Dr. Jeffrey Young, we look at the lasting emotional patterns, called schemas, that form when core needs aren’t met in childhood. These schemas can deeply influence how we approach relationships, responsibility, and our own needs as adults.
If you find it hard to say no, it’s often linked to certain schemas. For example, the Self-Sacrifice schema might make you feel like you must put others first to be loved or to avoid guilt. The Subjugation schema can bring up fears of being punished, rejected, or shamed for speaking up. And the Approval-Seeking schema can tie your self-worth to being liked or accepted by others.
In my schema therapy sessions, we go beyond just identifying these schemas. We look at how they show up in your everyday life, how they impact your choices, relationships, and emotional well-being. We then work together using experiential techniques, inner dialogue, and compassionate reparenting to start healing these patterns. Throughout this process, we help strengthen your Healthy Adult mode, the grounded, wise, and nurturing part of you that can learn how to set boundaries and not feel guilty, honour your needs, and protect your vulnerable self with calm confidence.
The Role of Compassion: A CFT Perspective
From a Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) perspective, difficulty in setting boundaries with people is often linked to an overactive threat system in the brain. For many people, saying no doesn’t just feel uncomfortable, it feels unsafe. This is especially true if, early on, love and safety were experienced as conditional.
CFT, developed by Professor Paul Gilbert, helps us strengthen the soothing system in the brain, which is the part connected to feelings of safety, warmth, and self-acceptance. In my setting boundaries therapy sessions, I work with clients to gently move away from harsh self-criticism and develop a more compassionate inner voice. This isn’t just about being kind to yourself, it’s about creating a steady, supportive presence within you that can guide you through moments of guilt, fear, or doubt.
You begin to build a new relationship with yourself through practices like soothing rhythm breathing, imagery, and compassionate mind training. These tools become especially powerful when learning how to set boundaries and not feel guilty. They offer the emotional safety and grounding that might have been missing in the past, and help regulate the discomfort that so often comes up when we say no.
What the Research Says
There is a strong evidence base linking difficulties with boundaries to emotional distress. Research has shown that high levels of self-sacrifice and subjugation are correlated with increased depression, anxiety, and burnout.
For example, studies have found that caregivers and professionals with poor boundaries are more likely to experience emotional exhaustion (Kılıç et al., 2021) and that schemas like self-sacrifice are associated with chronic stress and low self-esteem (Bach et al., 2018).
Both Schema Therapy and Compassion Focused Therapy have been shown to be effective for working with these patterns. A 2015 meta-analysis by Leaviss and Uttley showed that CFT significantly reduces shame, self-criticism, and psychological distress, particularly in clients who are less responsive to traditional cognitive-behavioural approaches. Likewise, Schema Therapy has been found to be highly effective for individuals with complex emotional needs and ingrained relational patterns, especially in work with personality-related difficulties (Giesen-Bloo et al., 2006; Young et al., 2003).
These therapeutic models offer not only insight, but practical tools for real change, and I integrate them both into the support I offer.
How to Set Boundaries and Not Feel Guilty or Shameful
Starting to set boundaries can feel uncomfortable and sometimes even scary, but this feeling is completely normal. The goal isn’t to feel amazing right away; it’s more about gently learning to trust yourself and feel safe in your own decisions, by taking one small step at a time.
When I work with clients on setting healthy boundaries with people, we begin by slowing things down and getting curious. Before saying yes, we ask simple but powerful questions like “What do I actually need right now? Am I agreeing because I want to or because I’m afraid of what might happen if I don’t?” That small pause often creates space to make a choice that feels more honest.
We also spend time finding language that feels natural and kind. So, when you say no, it’s clear, calm, and respectful, not wrapped in guilt or apology. And when those old feelings of anxiety or guilt show up (because they will), we use compassion-focused tools to help you stay grounded and connected to what really matters to you.
In therapy, we don’t just talk about boundaries. We practice and apply what we learn in therapy together through role play, chair work and imagery practices. We give voice to the part of you that’s often been quiet for too long, the part that knows you and your needs matter too.
How My Therapy Helps
Setting boundaries with people isn’t about pushing them away. It’s about showing up with honesty, care, and respect for yourself and others. It’s how we protect our energy, stay emotionally well, and build relationships that feel balanced and safe, rather than one-sided or exhausting.
If you often find yourself saying yes when you mean no or feeling overwhelmed by the emotional load of always being available, know that change is possible. When setting boundaries in therapy with me, we can explore these patterns gently and safely and begin building the confidence and emotional support needed to stand up for your needs.
Through Schema Therapy and Compassion Focused Therapy, I support people in understanding the deeper reasons boundaries feel so difficult and help them build the clarity, courage, and self-compassion needed to create meaningful change.
I offer sessions both in-person in Petersfield, Hampshire, and online across the UK. If you’d like support in setting healthy boundaries, managing guilt, and learning to say no without feeling like you are letting others down, I’d be happy to explore that with you in a free 15-minute consultation.
Whether you’re ready to begin therapy or just want to learn more, feel free to get in touch by phone, email, or by filling out the contact form.